6 Masalah Jemaat

(2Kor. 11:27-28)

Pendahuluan

A.     Jemaat yang didirikan Tuhan Yesus itu kekal (Mat. 16:18; Dan. 2:44; Ibr. 12:28)—benih yang ditanam juga kekal (1Ptr. 1:23-25)

B.     Meskipun jemaat tidak akan binasa, namun jemaat dapat kehilangan identitasnya (Why. 2:5; 3:1-6)

C.     Berikut ini adalah beberapa masalah yang harus dihadapi dan diselesaikan umat Allah untuk berhasil sebagai jemaat Tuhan.

I.       PERTUMBUHAN NOL

A.       Banyak orang-orang kudus yang menjadi tua dan meninggal

1.        Kita sedih saat orang-orang yang sudah dibaptiskan mundur sebelum menjadi orang percaya yang dewasa.

2.        Banyak yang mundur karena berbagai alasan.

B.        Solusi

1.        Bangun dari krisis. Jangan ada sindrom “seperti biasa”

2.        Kita perlu kembali belajar bagaimana jemaat bertumbuh di PB dan menerapkannya (Kis. 8:4; 1Tes. 1:8; Flp. 1:7)

3.        Diperlukan komitmen setiap anggota jemaat. Tuhan sudah memberkati banyak diantara anggota dengan kemampuan inteligensia yang baik dan sumber daya yang baik.

II.    PERPECAHAN DAN KEPAHITAN

A.       Kristus sering dipermalukan dengan saudara-saudara yang saling menggigit dan menelan (Gal. 5:15)

1.        Perpecahan menghambat kemajuan dan pertumbuhan (Ams. 6:19; Yak. 3:16)

2.        Iblis memakai kesempatan itu (Gal. 5:19-20)—terlalu banyak yang mencintai dirinya sendiri dan sombong

3.        Saudara-saudara perlu bekerja sama demi kepentingan bersama (1Kor. 3:3)

B.        Solusi

1.        Tingkatkan kasih kita terhadap sesama (1Tes. 3:12; 1Ptr. 4:8; Ams. 17:9; 1Kor. 13:4-8)

2.        Bangunlah suatu hubungan pribadi yang erat dengan Tuhan. Ini akan memotivasi orang peduli pada pekerjaan Tuhan—belajar Alkitab, berdoa, dan renungan. Kita perlu membangun iman yang kuat dan berakar dalam. Jika ada keanggotaan yang kuat, jemaat akan maju.

III. KEHILANGAN ANAK-ANAK MUDA KITA

A.       Betapa banyak anak-anak muda yang hilang—keluarga tepatnya—hilang karena terpikat oleh dunia dan sistemnya

B.        Solusi

1.        Jemaat perlu berjuang untuk melakukan yang terbaik bagi generasi muda—sediakan segala macam yang berguna bagi orang-orang muda

2.        Orangtua perlu rajin (Ams. 22:6; Ef. 6:4)—jika orangtuanya suam-suam dan enggan, bagaimana kira-kira dengan anak-anak?

3.        Anak-anak muda perlu belajar tanggung jawab. Lakukan yang terbaik untuk bertumbuh dalam anugerah dan dalam pengenalan akan Kristus dan dewasa sebagai orang percaya

IV.  KEHANCURAN KELUARGA

A.       Kita hidup dalam suatu bangsa di mana penceraian menjadi wajar, pergaulan semaunya yang mengakibatkan aborsi; hubungan sesama jenis dianggap wajar; dan segala macam jenis kekerasan rumah tangga—disfunctional family.

B.        Solusi

1.        Khotbahkan dan tegaskan tentang pandangan Alkitab terhadap perzinaan, homoseksualitas, percabulan, kemabukan, dan perceraian (Mat. 19:5; Ibr. 13:4)

2.        Tetaplah hidup murni (Ef. 5:3-6)

V.     MATERIALISME DAN KEDUNIAWIAN

A.       Banyak orang terperangkap untuk mengejar uang dan segala hal yang dapat dibeli dengan uang. Ketertarikan mereka adalah pada hal-hal duniawi. Hal-hal yang tidak salah—mobil yang lebih baik, rumah, dan perabot—tetapi begitu menguasai waktu kita, sehingga jadi salah.

Kita bisa saja tampak hadir setiap saat pintu gereja dibuka, tetapi hati kita tidak ada di dalamnya. Bandingkan Neh. 13:15-21; Mat. 15:8-9. Kita mungkin duduk saat kebaktian, nyanyi nyanyian pujian, tetapi tidur secara mental di sepanjang kebaktian. Kita harus mengasihi Allah dengan segenap hati kita (Mat. 22:37-38)

B.        Solusi

1.        Tuhan Yesus berkata (Mat. 6:24)

2.        Kita tidak dapat mengklaim takut akan Tuhan, tetapi memakai setiap waktu bangun kita untuk melayani Mamon.

3.        Kita harus belajar dan berusaha kaya di hadapan Tuhan (Luk. 12:21; Mat. 6:19-20; 1Tim. 6:17-19; Mat. 6:33)

VI.  TIDAK ADA PENATUA DAN/ATAU KEPEMIMPINAN

A.       Keluarga-keluarga telah berjalan bertahun-tahun, jemaat bertahun-tahun, tetapi tidak ada kepemimpinan, bahkan tak ada prospek untuk itu.

1.        Banyak yang mengabaikannya—sehingga tenggelam dalam kebiasaan

2.        Padahal, ini merupakan kehendak Allah (Kis. 14:23; Ti. 1:5)

B.        Solusi

1.        Kembangkan prinsip pemuridan yang sehat sehingga kita tidak akan kekurangan pemimpin. Dorong setiap orang untuk melayani.

2.        Kita perlu mendukung orang-orang yang mau menerima tantangan kepemimpinan (1Tim. 5:17; Ibr. 13:17)

3.        Allah akan memberkati jemaat ini, saat rencana Tuhan kita lakukan dengan benar. 

KESIMPULAN

Jika masalah-masalah itu tetap ada, jemaat dapat mati. Meskipun jemaat tidak akan pernah binasa, jemaat-jemaat lokal dapat mati dan menghilang. Jika kita mau tunduk pada Tuhan, kita harus menunjukkan ketaatan kita (Rm. 6:17-18)

PENYEMBAHAN ALKITABIAH

 

Ada penekanan besar dalam jemaat-jemaat masa kini pada “pelayanan penyembahan” (worship services). Biasanya, jemaat-jemaat memakai iringan “band pemuji” dan seorang “pemimpin penyembahan” (worship leader). Himne tradisional tidak lagi dipakai dan digantikan dengan lagu-lagu rohani popular yang dapat menyentuh hati orang banyak. Undangan diberikan kepada anggota jemaat untuk mengikuti alunan music dan membebaskan diri dalam melakukan penyembahan kepada Allah. Biasanya, ada pula penekanan untuk mengundang Roh Kudus untuk bekerja atas diri orang yang hadir. Dalam acara tersebut, biasanya terdapat konsep bahwa Roh Kudus seharusnya tidak di “put in a box,” sehingga tidaklah salah jika ada manifestasi aneh seperti bergetar dan jatuh selama penyembahan. Tidaklah aneh jika kita juga menemukan kekacauan, kebingungan, para pemimpin perempuan, dan berbagai hal yang jelas-jelas tidak alkitabiah dalam kebaktian penyembahan kontemporer.

Perjanjian Baru memang tidak memberikan pola tertentu untuk melakukan kebaktian penyembahan bersama dalam jemaat. Orang yang coba mencari pembenaran alkitabiah untuk kebaktian penyembahan tidak akan mendapatkannya dalam tulisan para rasul. Mereka harus melihat referensi penyembahan bait Allah di Perjanjian Lama atau Kitab Wahyu, padahal pola untuk jemaat adalah tulisan para rasul. Ada tiga kata kunci untuk penyembahan (worship) dalam Perjanjian Baru: menyembah (worship), memuji (praise), dan memuliakan (glorify) dan kesemuanya tidak digunakan dalam konteks ibadah penyembahan di jemaat secara bersama. Satu-satunya kata “worship” dipakai dalam hubungannya dengan penyembahan jemaat ada di dalam 1Kor. 14:25, dan itu berbicara tentang penyembahan individu/pribadi, bukan penyembahan korporat. Demikian pula, kata “memuji” atau “memuliakan” tidak pernah dipakai dalam Perjanjian Baru sehubungan dengan penyembahan bersama dalam pertemuan jemaat. Semuanya dipakai dalam ibadah pribadi melalui ucapan syukur dan hidup saleh (Kis. 2:47; Rm. 15:5-6; 1Kor. 6:20; Flp. 1:11; Ibr. 13:15; 1Ptr. 4:16).

Ini tidak berarti bahwa salah jika jemaat menyembah Tuhan bersama-sama karena itulah yang juga kita lakukan selama kebaktian jemaat. Faktanya, terdapat kurangnya kesadaran penyembahan dalam rata-rata kebaktian jemaat yang sungguh-sungguh percaya Alkitab. Akibatnya, penyembahan hanya bagaikan bergumam atau pun sekadar ritual dan bukannya sarana mengarahkan hati kepada Allah.

Lalu, apakah perbedaan antara kebaktian penyembahan kontemporer dan pola penyembahan alkitabiah dalam jemaat?

(1)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat tidak menekankan pada penggunaan musik. Dua kali penyebutan musik dalam surat-surat di Perjanjian Baru berfokus pada pembangunan (edifying) orang-orang kusud saat dinyanyikan kepada Tuhan (Ef. 5:19; Kol. 3:16). Sesungguhnya, penyembahan alkitabiah menekankan bahwa Allah disembah melalui segala sesuatu yang dilakukan dalam jemaat daripada sekadar satu jenis penyembahan yang dinaikkan kepada-Nya saat waktu pujian (1Ptr. 4:11). Berlawanan dengan ini, penyembahan kontemporer hamper berfokus secara eksklusif pada satu jenis penyembahan kepada Allah, yaitu saat menyembah dengan musik kontemporer tersebut.

(2)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat tunduk pada ajaran para rasul yang menuntut bahwa segala sesuatu harus dilakukan dengan sopan dan teratur, sehingga tidak ada kebingungan, bahwa perempuan tidak boleh memimpin, dll. (1Kor. 11:2; 14:37). Ini berarti bahwa segala hal yang tidak alkitabiah, yang berhubungan dengan penyembahan kontemporer, khususnya karismatik, harus ditolak.

(3)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat menekankan pemahaman daripada emosi (1Kor. 14:15). Penekanannya bukanlah “merasakan hadirat Allah”, melainkan pada pemahamam dan pengenalan akan Allah melalui kebenaran Firman-Nya. Kita melihat ini terpancar dalam himne tradisional. Para penulis himne itu bertujuan untuk membangun pengertian dan bukan menciptakan getaran emosi. Dalam ibadah kontemporer, “puji-pujian dipilih untuk menstimulasi/merangsang (to induce) perasaan para penyembah … [to induce] suatu keadaan mengubah keadaan sadar dengan manipulasi nyata” (Alan Morrison, The New Style of Worship and the Great Apostasy).

(4)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat menekankan kesatuan iman dan bukan konsep ekumene, berbeda-beda tetapi satu sebagai hal yang lazim dalam penyembahan Kristen kontemporer (Rm. 15:6; Mat. 15:9; Yoh. 4:24). Tidak aka nada penyembahan yang sejati tanpa komitmen yang sepenuhnya terhadap doktrin yang sesuai Alkitab. Doktrin campuran yang ada dalam ibadah ekumene tidak memuliakan Allah dan tidak diterima-Nya, betapa pun antusias dan sungguh-sungguhnya para penyembah itu melakukannya.

(5)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat menuntut kesucian moral dan keterpisahan dari dunia (Rm. 12:1-2; Flp. 1:11), berlawanan dengan penyembahan kontemporer yang menolak pemisahan dan yang membangun jembatan dengan dunia melalui penggunaan musik, pakaian, dll. yang duniawi. Tidak peduli bagaimana pun hidup dan sikapnya, cukuplah bagi mereka untuk masuk ke dalam “saat penyembahan” dengan antusiasme besar. Di kalangan jemaat dengan haya penyembahan kontemporer, hanya ada sedikit khotbah melawan dunia secara jelas dan praktis dan hanya sedikit pula memraktikkan disiplin jemaat.

(6)   Penyembahan yang alkitabiah dalam jemaat harus terus menerus waspada terhadap bahaya-bahaya rohani (1Ptr. 5:8; 2Kor. 11:1-4). Setidaknya 11 kali, para rasul mengingatkan orang percaya untuk “bijaksana’/sober. Para gembala harus bijaksana (Ti. 1:8); orang tua harus bijaksana (ti. 2:2); perempuan harus bijaksana (Ti. 2:4); orang muda juga harus bijaksana (Ti. 2:6); isteri gembala dan diakon juga demikian (1Tim. 3:11). Ternyata, 1Tes. 5:6 dan 1Ptr. 5:8 menjelaskan arti bijaksana/sober ini yaitu secara rohani waspada, hati-hati, dan sadar. Sementara itu, penyembahan kontemporer mengajarkan orang untuk terbukapada pengaruh-pengaruh roh tanpa sadar adanya bahaya atau tipuan. Mereka meminta penyembah untuk “terbuka dan rendah hati,” “membuka diri terhadap Roh Kudus,” “mengundang Roh Kudus datang dan bekerja,” “bersiap untuk hal yang tidak terduga.” Tak ada satu pun hal itu yang diajarkan dalam Alkitab. Para rasul dan jemaat mula-mula tidak memraktikkannya. Saat jemaat Korintus melakukan hal yang demikian dan membiarkan kebingungan dan ketidakteraturan terjadi, Paulus menegur dan memperbaiki kesalahan itu (Yoh. 4:24).

Dari sini, jemaat-jemaat yang menjunjung tinggi Alkitab kiranya dapat belajar bagaimana jemaat dapat membangun suatu pelayanan penyembahan yang benar. Konsep menyembah yang benar itu harus benar-benar tertanam dan dipraktikkan pula secara benar oleh jemaat Tuhan. Solusi kedinginan dan keengganan anggota jemaat dalam menyembah, memuji, dan memuliakan Allah bukanlah dengan menggantikan himne tradisional dengan penyembahan kontemporer, tetapi memastikan bahwa kita adalah penyembah-penyembah benar yang menyembah Allah dalam roh dan kebenaran (Yoh. 4:24).

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Komitmen yang Sesungguhnya (1Kor. 15:58)

Saudara, komitmen adalah tekad yang kuat, kemauan yang tinggi untuk melakukan sesuatu. “Karena itu, saudara-saudaraku yang kekasih, berdirilah teguh, jangan goyah, dan giatlah selalu dalam pekerjaan Tuhan! Sebab kamu tahu, bahwa dalam persekutuan dengan Tuhan jerih payahmu tidak sia-sia” (1Kor. 15:58). Dari ayat ini, kita akan merenungkan apa yang dimaksud dengan komitmen yang sesungguhnya.

Pertama, komitmen yang sesungguhnya itu adalah komitmen yang teguh (1Kor. 15:58a). ‘Teguh’ (Yun. hedraicos) berarti tidak tergoyahkan … yang mengacu pada keteguhan iman. Keteguhan komitmen itu tampak nyata keyakinan Anda. Keyakinan itu berhubungan dengan iman Anda. Kiranya iman Anda tidak tergoyahkan. Uang tidak dapat membelinya. Tekanan tidak sanggup menggesernya. Memang harus ada yang dibayarkan oleh orang yang berkomitmen untuk memiliki keyakinan yang teguh. Namun, lebih banyak lagi harga yang dibayar bila Anda tidak memiliki iman yang teguh. Untuk itu, kita harus menyerahkan diri kita kepada Tuhan (Rm. 12:1) dan sesudah itu mengalami perubahan dari hari ke hari dan menjadi dewasa dalam Kristus (Rm. 12:2). Bila Anda berkomitmen terhadap iman Anda, Anda akan mengupayakan berbagai hal untuk menumbuhkan iman Anda itu baik dengan terus berdoa, membaca Alkitab, merenungkannya, mempelajarinya, rajin belajar dalam PA, setia dalam jam-jam ibadah, senantiasa bersaksi baik dengan perkataan maupun perbuatan, dsb.

Kedua, komitmen yang sesungguhnya adalah komitmen yang tidak tergoyahkan. (1Kor. 15:58b). ‘Tidak goyah’ (Yun. ametakinetos) berarti diguncang dengan sangat hebat, tetapi tetap tegar pada tempatnya. Kata ini berhubungan dengan serangan pencobaan dan juga penganiayaan. Apapun yang terjadi kita harus tidak tergoyahkan dalam hal mencapai tujuan hidup kita—melayani Tuhan kemuliaanNya (Ibr. 12:1-2). Tujuan itu lebih berharga daripada popularitas, posisi, kedudukan atau apapun di dunia ini. Saat melayani pun demikian. Berbagai guncangan dapat membuat hamba Tuhan mengundurkan diri dari pelayanannya baik dari diri sendiri, keluarga, maupun orang-orang yang dilayani. Akankah itu membuat kita goyah? Jangan goyah!! Kesetiaan kita dihargai Tuhan (Mat. 25:21, 23).

Ketiga, komitmen yang sesungguhnya adalah komitmen yang melimpah-limpah (1Kor. 15:58c). Alkitab kita menggunakan kata ‘giat’ yang sesungguhnya berarti melimpah-limpah (Yun. perisseuo) baik secara kualitas maupun kuantitas. Dengan kata lain, kita harus semakin giat dalam pekerjaan Tuhan baik secara kualitas maupun kuantitas (band. 1Kor. 1:5; 8:7). Dari waktu ke waktu, antusiasme kita akan hal-hal rohani harus semakin meningkat. Kegiatan itu memang dapat melelahkan secara fisik. Namun, iman yang bertumbuh, rohani yang matang jelas tidak akan sebanding dengan segala jerih lelah itu. 

Saudara, Allah sesungguhnya tidak menuntut kita melakukan hal yang terlalu sulit ataupun mustahil untuk kita lakukan. Dia hanya meminta kita setia pada apa yang sudah menjadi komitmen kita saat kita percaya kepada Tuhan Yesus sebagai Juruselamat dan benar-benar mempercayakan hidup kita kepadaNya.

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Response #2 to The Saddest Letter

A Response to Parents
As promised, I’m writing three responses to the original post called “The Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read.” I must confess, I’m in shock at the response to this letter—it obviously struck a nerve about which we all have strong feelings. So many comments have included helpful thoughts! You can read my first general response here.
In this second response I want to write primarily to parents, and in the third I will address the young lady who wrote the letter. (Also, there is a lot on this blog already written to parents, if you click on the parenting tag.) Warning—this post is a bit long.
This cannot be exhaustive, but first, I want to address what’s right.

1. If you are a part of a Bible-believing Church and faithfully involving your family there, you are doing the right thing. The local church, in its biblical form (not the current contemporary, seeker-sensitive, CCM version) is still God’s answer for His transforming work in lives. The church is to be the pillar and ground of truth. The church is commanded to preach and teach the Word of God to both the parents and the young people (see Titus 2 and 1 Peter 5).
I was saved at age seven in the ministry of a solid, Bible-believing church that proceeded to train me and my family quite well in how to develop a personal relationship with the Lord, how to walk like a Christian family, and how to balance the personal relationship with spirit-led living that honored that relationship. While there were rules involved—good, biblical, principled rules—we understood from the beginning it was not about rules or external appearances.
The ministries of this church—children’s programs, youth ministry, soulwinning, outreach, and special events all contributed to our family life and spiritual growth, and yet it was up to my parents to keep that in balance. Thankfully they did. The local church, in its biblical form, still works quite well. I experienced it as a child, and I’m watching it all around me as a pastor.
2. Church programs, Christian schools, and youth groups are a help when done biblically and in balance. Again, building on my first point, I don’t believe the local church (in principle) is the problem. There are certainly a lot of churches that are taking the wrong path, and a lot of programs that are more carnal than spiritual in nature. But in the right local church, the youth program is family focused—building both parents and teens. The youth program is not built or designed to divide the family but to help strengthen it. The Christian school is the same. I’m not saying that all models function this way, but when they are done right, these things help the whole family.
For my 21 years in youth ministry, I’ve been as focused on the parents as I have on the teens—sometimes more so. My constant battle is Malachi 4:6—trying to turn the hearts of the children and the fathers toward each other. I truly thank the Lord for families, like the family of the young lady who wrote the letter, who are committed to the Lord and the local church. One day, she will look back and be eternally grateful for the right things they did—even though at the moment she is burdened about the short comings.
If, as in some families, the programs and the activities rob family time, that is not the fault of the ministry. Every parent is responsible for setting their own family schedule, and sometimes Christian parents just need to say, “You’re not going to that youth activity.” Yes, this is a youth pastor writing this. I would much rather our teens stay home for a family night than come to a youth activity. (So long as family night is more than mindless TV or movies.)
So, while everybody’s experiences are slightly different, I’m dead set against pointing the finger at God’s institutions as though they are biblically flawed. Parents, find a Bible-believing church that practices God’s Word appropriately and keep your family well-grounded there.
Second, let’s discuss where we tend to lose our way, as parents. This is written with a humble spirit, because as a parent I have found myself doing all of these things at times. I’m not the expert—just a dad trying to get it right like you are.
1. We get too busy. In today’s culture, this is HUGE! From work, to more work, to sports, to internet, to other obligations, we just let events and opportunities rule our lives. Like a big dog walking a small child, we get dragged around by the agenda, and we fail to spend authentic, heart-to-heart time with our kids. The older they get, the easier it is, because they get busy too! Teenagers have sports practices, music lessons, activities, school trips, homework, projects, work, and on and on the list goes.
Successful families own this challenge and face it head on—they don’t let life run over their family. I wrote about this in Hook, Line and Sinker. They make sure, on a weekly basis, that they are getting family time and one-on-one time. Dad, you need one-on-one time with your kids every week—or nearly so. You need a whole family night minimally a couple nights a week or more. You need conversations over dinner, laughter, and uninterrupted time together.
Perhaps most importantly, you need to pray with every child, individually, at their bedside, every night. We have done this with our kids since they were infants, and I know of nothing that keeps a parent and child’s hearts knit so well as prayer before bed. Express love for them, remind them of how thankful you are for them, and pour your heart out to God for them. If you are just starting this, it will seem awkward, but work through that. The rewards are too great. Parents whom I have counseled on this and who have taken my advice have seen radical transformation in their relationship very quickly.
Every so often, take a day off—no homework, no school—just get away together. Just you and your child go do something highly relationship oriented. Take a drive, go to a park, take a long walk, toss a football, enjoy being together. Once a year, take a whole day with each one of your children, alone. Just Dad and son, or Dad and daughter. Make it happen. You will never forget it and neither will they! An occasional line around our home when homework and family time conflict is simply this— “Take a demerit… no homework tonight, it’s family night.” A teacher may not always understand that, but in the end the teacher has a better student so everybody wins!
Don’t let busyness eat up your family life. If they will ever have a relationship with your God, it must begin with you!
2. We don’t know enough and we get intimidated. Let’s face it, we as parents do struggle with knowing how to parent. What do we teach? What do we talk about? How do we respond to our kids questions, trials, struggles? How do we help them become comfortable opening up to us and sharing their struggles, and how do we help them if they do? Generally, we know when we fall short and don’t have the right information, and that scares us frozen. Instead of dealing with the situations, we ignore the problems because we don’t quite know what to do.
First, I want to say, you know more than you think you do. You know how to pray, how to love, how to encourage, how to empathize. You know how to seek the Holy Spirit and ask God for wisdom—and He’s promised to answer that prayer. He will guide you in those moments and help you say the right things. A part of it is just stepping up with courage and trusting God to help you.
But second, I challenge you to become a student of biblical parenting. When is the last time you read a Christian book on parenting? When is the last time you listened to a CD set of messages or took a class on parenting teenagers? As parents we should become constant students—growing and discovering the biblical principles at play in parenting. They are not rocket science. It just takes time, study, and commitment.
I believe the same goes for youth workers. When a youth pastor asks me for a good book on student ministry, I always refer him to parenting books and challenge him to help parents as well as young people. When parents come to me for counsel, I give them parenting books and talk them through specific steps of principled parenting. Be a learner and a growing parent.
3. We find it hard to swallow our pride. Nobody knows our struggles as well as our kids. They see us at our worst. And sometimes, we as parents find it hard to make things right when we blow it. An authentic relationship, and a Christ-like model begins with humility. A humble parent is willing to own mistakes, ask forgiveness, and make relationships right. Many families carry a constant weight of unresolved conflict and past offenses—they were never dealt with or made right—so they just sit there like dead weight, dividing the hearts and burdening the relationship.
Parent, if we want our children to have the right relationship with Christ, we must model it through sincere, transparent humility. When you do wrong, and your kids see it or know about it, deal with it. When you offend your child or fly off the handle inappropriately, sit down and ask forgiveness and make it right. Prideful parenting is hypocritical. It shuts a child’s heart to the things of God. Duplicity is death for sincere Christian living.
Have you ever had an open conversation with your child when you ask, “How can I be a better parent? How have I offended you? How have I hurt you? Do you have enough time with me? Is there a struggle that I can help you with right now? Do you feel close to me, and if not, why not? What can I do to make it right?”
These are difficult conversations to have, and sometimes they take hours—but they are part of growing in Christ as a Christian family. It may take some time for your child to open up, and it must be a non-threatening atmosphere for that to happen—but it will change your relationship dramatically.
4. We do tend to focus on externals and behavior. In our busyness and rush through life, it is easy to get the idea that if everything looks good, it is good. Then our kids start to figure out how to “play the game.” “If I look good, then everybody is happy with me and will stay off my back.” It’s a natural drift more than an intentional shift of focus. It just happens over time because life is busy. But this is where Satan takes his advantage in the heart.
In parenting we must constantly ask ourselves, how is the heart? How is MY heart for the Lord? How are my children’s hearts for the Lord? Am I training and nurturing their hearts? Are biblical principles finding their way to the heart? Is my child’s heart for God and love for God developing? We must trace everything back to the heart. We must ask of every behavior—what heart attitude or condition is driving this?
5. We get tired or weary. Sometimes we’re just tired and we get lazy. After a long day, we want to come home and collapse, and it’s right about then that our most important work should be starting. Sometimes we’re just not up for a late-night discussion with our teenager—especially a stressful one. We throw up our hands in despair, walk away, and seemingly say, “Deal with it on your own, I’m too tired…”
This is the worst possible thing we could do. Successful parents pay the price. They make the sacrifice. They go the extra mile. The will stay up as late as necessary, rearrange whatever is needed, take time off work, skip a meal, or make major changes in life to facilitate the need of a child. That speaks loudly to your teenager! The love exchanged in such tense moments says, “I’m so committed to you, I will do whatever I have to do to make this right and help you through this.” That’s Christ-like love and it touches the heart deeply.
6. We sometimes believe that providing the right atmosphere makes up for our failures. Good atmospheres like church and school and youth group are wonderful and biblical, but they are secondary to the home. They can really only complement or assist with what you are putting in place first. There is a strong tendency in today’s Christian home to deflect spiritual responsibility onto an organization. Many parents feel that their responsibility is to provide food, shelter, education, and basic needs—and the spiritual stuff is the responsibility of the spiritual environments (church, school, youth group). This is a wrong way of thinking.
Parents, you cannot, in any way, abdicate your spiritual responsibility and hand it off to another. The church, school, and youth group can help. We can reinforce and support and strengthen what you are doing, but we cannot replace what you are not doing. Children gain their understanding of a relationship with God primarily from their parents. They learn principles of Christian living and their basic understanding of the Christian life from their home. If the home is not in agreement with the church and youth group, then we are conducting an exercise of confusion and hypocrisy in their lives that will eventually blow up in our face when they walk away from it all.
7. We must model an authentic relationship with Christ. Our kids don’t expect us to be perfect—just real. If your children see you in love with Jesus, walking with Him, knowing Him, growing in His grace, and honoring Him—and then they experience that love flowing toward them from you—they too will most likely fall in love with Him. It’s really that simple. Too many parents over use their authoritarian, harsh tones, and forceful control of behavior—to the neglect of Christ-like love and genuine heart connectedness.
Don’t misunderstand. Every parent must exercise authority. But a parent-child relationship shouldn’t be characterized by the constant presence of overbearing authoritarianism. In a Christ-like home, that shouldn’t be necessary. The love of Christ should be the overriding, presiding presence in your family life, and it should flow from your genuine walk with Christ as a parent. The hearts of our kids blossom and come to life in the light of such a relationship. Home life in this sort of Christian home is a taste of Heaven—certainly not perfect or conflict free, but at least healthy and whole.
8. We must genuinely enjoy our kids and help them genuinely enjoy their Heavenly Father. Sometimes I want to ask parents, “When did you stop liking your kids?” It’s almost as if some parents find every way imaginable not to spend time together as a family and not to enjoy their children. People use to warn us when our kids were small, “Wait til they become teenagers!” Their tone was filled with dread. To this day, I honestly don’t know what they meant. Our family life and relationships have become more sweet and close, and much more enjoyable as our kids have grown through their teen years—not to mention less work because they can now help with household duties! They’ve become our best friends!
Family life in a Christian home should be close, loving, funny, enjoyable, memorable, and something a young person craves! It’s not natural for a teen to never want to be at home, or always locked in their room, or never wanting to be around Mom and Dad. It may be common. Hollywood may promote this as the norm. But it’s not what God designed or intended. I believe I can speak for my whole family—when we get busy and don’t get time together, we genuinely miss it. All of us.
Families that play together stay together. I love that! It’s true. As a parent, you must plan the play time. Get creative and recapture the heart of your child. Laugh together. Laugh at each other. Hey, I’ve got cancer—and believe it or not, we even laugh at that some times, especially my bald head.
This post is much too long, and insufficient to the discussion, but if nothing else, let it place you on a search—a growing curve of researching and grasping balanced, biblical parenting with the assistance of a solid, Bible-believing, local church and pastor who can greatly help.
Parent—the letter the young lady wrote was a heart cry for parental connection—heart connection. It’s the desire and desperate need of every young person. Stay focused on the heart. Forever be in pursuit of your child’s heart, just as your heart should forever be in pursuit of God.
As you pursue God with your whole heart, and pursue your child with your whole heart—most likely the two will meet!

-allofgrace-

By caryschmidt | February 24, 2011

http://www.caryschmidt.com/2011/02/response-2-to-the-saddest-letter/

Response #1 to The Saddest Letter

Wow! The “Saddest Letter” post provoked a lot of interesting discussion! Since I received it a week ago, I too have been pondering my response, and in many ways, those who commented touched on many of the things that have been on my heart. For reasons of length and direction, I think my response will break down into three posts. The first will be a general response to the broader issues. The second, a response to parents and spiritual authorities. The third, a personal response to the young lady who wrote the letter, and to her generation.

As a side note, let me first say, the letter is real. A few people have expressed doubt that perhaps I wrote the letter. I don’t operate that way. I wouldn’t deliberately post a lie on this blog. If I was writing fiction for the sake of illustration, I would just say so. The young lady who wrote the letter gave us her cell phone and we contacted her personally about using her letter. It jolted me as much as it did you.
So on with my general response. I want to draw a few key and critical points from a big picture perspective:
1. The letter and the problems articulated are not about finding blame. I did not read a spirit of blame in this letter, so much as a sincere and honest cry for help. She acknowledged imbalances that she experienced growing up, sensed that others experience the same, and simply asked that someone try to address these imbalances. Nobody grows up in a perfect home, and yes everybody is ultimately responsible for making their own spiritual choices—but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t address these patterns of imbalance that are prevalent in many homes.
2. The problems described in her letter are universal—they are present in every group, not just one or two. This is not a set of problems that flow from a certain type of church or home. They are foundational problems that could be present in any home. Neglectful parents, fragmented families, and bitter children are the norm for our culture and society. It’s impossible to point at any particular brand of Christianity and say, “That’s the source!”
3. There truly are some fantastic resources for parents and families that address the very problems this young lady described. And I believe there is a growing generation of parents (one which this young lady will probably soon be a part of) that desperately want to fight these problems biblically and with godly compassion. The two books that come to mind that every parents should read multiple times are both written by Tedd Tripp—Shepherding a Child’s Heart and Instructing a Child’s Heart. These books excellently detail a biblical approach to parenting that will resolve the problems described in the letter.
4. Rules are not the problem, lack of relationship is the problem. (I’m talking about biblical, well principled rules.) I’ve often seen families and teens toss aside all “rules” under the guise of “legalism”—a word often misused and misunderstood. Tossing rules aside doesn’t help. But I agree strongly that the presence of rules without a strong relationship simply breeds rebellion. Any strong relationship will have boundaries. It’s that simple. My marriage, to be strong, must have boundaries. The boundaries are not standards of legalism, they are merely rules of conduct that protect the relationship. If I love the relationship—the person—there are certain things I will do and will not do—if only to PLEASE the other person. Such is our relationship with God. The behavior, the “faith in action,” along with the rules, should flow from a heart that is deeply in love and close to Him. Loving Him is the only real and lasting motivation for living a godly lifestyle. And the Bible is very clear about God’s desire for us to live godly lives—holy, distinct, separated from the world. But those “rules” or “standards” or “boundaries” are designed not to create mere performance or outward appearance, they are to flow from and facilitate a continued strong personal relationship with the Lord.
I recently taught our senior high an entire lesson on this entitled “Avoiding the Trap of Impersonal Christianity”—the point being that God would rather us put away all of our religiosity if our hearts are far from Him. He desires our hearts first, and then our lifestyle to reflect that heart. In practicality, my own children don’t have a problem with my rules as long as my heart is closely knit to theirs and as long as I am directing their hearts to the Lord. (This lesson will probably post soon on our SM127 podcast on iTunes.)
5. Everybody writes from their own paradigm. I noticed in the comments we all had pretty strong opinions about various aspects of her letter. Some are of the opinion that every church (of a certain type) is this way, or most families (of certain affiliations) are this way. It’s impossible to throw that large of a blanket over Christendom or any one segment of Christianity. For instance, I grew up in several churches. One was well balanced in these matters and trained my parents and me to put relationships first. We did, and as a new Christian family we were greatly helped. One church was exactly the opposite—total surface, appearance driven, and very political in nature. Everything was about externals—if you looked good and conformed well, that’s all that mattered. The vast majority of young people from that church have wandered away from God in their adult years, many into very deep sin. My present church is the one I have served in for 21 years.
Philosophically, we have done our best to be balanced and biblically focused on relationships, but also keep the restraint right by setting the right boundaries. I’m sure we have failed at times. But, we have seen, on average, about 80% of our young people stay faithful to God into their adult years. That’s not good enough, but we are doing our best to fight the battle biblically. Point being, don’t allow your narrow paradigm to cause you to paint with a broad brush over any one segment of Christianity. For instance, if everybody you know is doing it wrong, that doesn’t represent the whole.
6. There are  a lot of churches and homes doing it right. Through our teen-parent meetings, family counseling, and fellowship at Lancaster Baptist, it has been my joy to get to know hundreds, perhaps thousands, of parents and families over the years. In addition to this, I’ve been exposed to hundreds of churches and pastors through our ministry, and I want to say, there are a lot of people—pastors, parents, youth pastors—who understand this problem, grew up with this problem, and are fighting to break out of and avoid this trend. Some are those who grew up like the young lady who wrote the letter. Others simply came through ministries where they experienced the imbalance. Others grow up with a good model and are perpetuating it. And yet others are simply godly people who have a very biblical focus in life. But I am encouraged with what I see in Bible-believing churches with whom I fellowship. I am encouraged with the families that I see at Lancaster Baptist and the parents who are diligently attempting to get it right.
7. Kids who grow up in the best of environments can still grow up and choose sin, reject God, and experience deep problems. I guess the ultimate proof of this is that people will choose to reject Christ at the end of the millennial reign! Imagine growing up in the millennial reign of Jesus Christ in the perfect world. Even then, Satan will be able to deceive many and mount an army against Christ. At some point it becomes, not a matter of how I grew up, but where I will decide to go in the future and how I will respond to my past.
8. Finally, the problems revealed in the letter are generational in nature. We’re not dealing with new problems. For the most part, today’s neglectful and disconnected parents are children of the same, and often their grandparents are too. Satan has been hard at work on the American family for many generations. It’s been a long time since healthy families were the norm. It’s been a long time since many people have seen a good model of family life—especially a biblical one.
For instance, just last week I had an appointment with a father who has never talked to his teenage son about sexual matters—this is true of most fathers (and grandfathers). He was asking for help in how to do so. He said his father had never talked to him and he was unsure of how to approach this. I was happy to help, but reminded again of the failure of past generations. I can’t imagine a more important subject for a father and teen son to have a continual and close connection on, but so few actually do.
Many parents have just never seen a good model and never been taught the biblical principles, but I find that Christian parents are hungry to help. That encourages me!
In my next response, I will write to parents. I look forward to hearing your thoughts again… feel free to comment below.

-allofgrace-

By caryschmidt | February 23, 2011

http://networkedblogs.com/dHnGZ

Saddest Letter I’ve Ever Read

Parents and Pastors—Please Read!!

I received this letter from a young lady last week—a Bible college student who grew up in a Christian home and Christian school. I believe it’s the saddest letter I’ve ever read and right on the mark for so detailing the experiences of so many young Christians. I asked her permission to post it. Please read. Her words will greatly challenge you as a parent or pastor:

Dear Pastor Schmidt,

A few years ago, I read your books Hook, Line, and Sinker, Discover Your Destiny, and Life Quest. I found them to be extremely encouraging and instructive. These books showed me that not only do you have a real heart for young people, but you also understand us well. I am writing to ask you to consider writing a book to our parents and youth workers. Let me explain.


I am a junior at a well-known Christian college. I grew up in highly respected “fundamental independent Baptist” churches, and went to excellent Christian schools. My father has been a Christian worker since before I was born. One would think that my testimony would go something like this:

“I was saved when I was about 5 and I had dedicated my life to God and I have been growing a lot and serving Him and now I’m studying to serve Him full time.” But that isn’t my story. Actually, though I did make a profession of faith when I was very young, I didn’t get saved until I was 17. Since I was 12 and now on into college I have struggled with “serious” issues. And I found out when I went to college that I am not the only “good kid” who is or has struggled with or is still struggling with serious stuff. We struggle with issues like eating disorders, depression and suicide, cutting, pornography, gender identity, homosexuality, drugs, drinking, immorality, and the list could go on. We listen to “wild” music, we idolize pop culture’s heroes, we watch dirty sitcoms. We have no discrimination in our entertainment, dress, or any aspect of our lifestyle. Obviously, I’m generalizing our problems—you would not find that every Christian young person from a conservative background struggles with all of these issues, and praise God, some of us do not struggle with any of these issues.

My point is that the problems that are supposed to be bad kid’s problems belong to us too. Unfortunately, our parents and youth workers don’t know that we struggle with these things and they don’t know what to do with us when they find out. Quite frankly, I believe that if you grabbed the average Christian school teacher or youth worker and asked them, “What would you do if you found out that one of the kids you work with was a homosexual?” they wouldn’t know what to say.
My point is not simply that they don’t know what we struggle with or how to deal with it. I think there is a pretty simple reason why “good” kids struggle with such serious stuff. And that there is a solution. At the risk of being blunt, I’m going to be blunt.

Our parents did not spend time teaching us to love God. Our parents put us in Sunday Schools since K4. Our parents took us to church every time the doors opened, and sent us to every youth activity. They made sure we went to good Christian colleges. They had us sing in the choir, help in the nursery, be ushers, go soulwinning. We did teen devotionals, and prayed over every meal. We did everything right. And they made sure that we did.

But they forgot about our hearts. They forgot that the Bible never commanded the church to teach children about God and His ways. That responsibility was laid at the feet of our fathers. Unfortunately, our fathers don’t have time for us. They put us where we are surrounded by the Bible. But they didn’t take time to show us that God was important enough to them to tell us personally about Him. So to us, Christianity has become a religion of externals. Do all the right stuff, and you’re a good Christian. So, some of us walk away from church. Some of us stay in church and fill a pew. Many of us struggle with stuff that our parents have no idea about because they hardly know us.
I think these problems stem from first, our detachment from our parents, and second from our misunderstandings about the essence of Christianity—a relationship, not a list of rules. I worry that many young people like me are not even saved because of their misunderstandings about Christianity.
I know that this has not been a well articulated treatise, but it comes from my heart. If you are able to help us and our families, we would be so grateful. I realize that probably, there is no way to fix the fact that kids my age are detached from our parents or to straighten out the crazy stuff that we struggle with. The alienation is fixed, the scars are permanent. I know our situation is not hopeless. God is at work in my life and my generation, among those of us who have struggled and are struggling. But maybe our younger siblings can have some help that we never had. Maybe you can write a book for our parents that will grab their attention and help them see that this is serious—that their kids need them, desperately.

I guess I’ve run out of things to say. I must say I’m a little hesitant to share my name with you because that attaches me with my parents, who are, by the way, good people. Thanks for everything you have already done to help Christian teens and their families. I’m eager to see what else God will do through you.
Sincerely,

(Name Removed to Protect Anonymity)
All I could say when I read this letter was, “WOW! She nailed it!” This is the battle I’ve been fighting for 21 years. I’m planning to write a couple of follow up articles to this letter, but for now, let this insightful young lady’s words sink in, and let God help you evaluate your own parenting and influence.
Are we teaching kids to simply appear and act right? Or are we teaching them to LOVE God and KNOW Him personally?
What are your thoughts?

-allofgrace-

By caryschmidt | February 22, 2011

http://www.caryschmidt.com/2011/02/saddest-letter-ive-ever-read/#more-3568